alright so it’s 2:00 in the morning and ya girl is bored and tragically out of weed and running on empty, but, you know what, its time for a lil old fashion sleep deprived rant™ so here we go. I’ve seen a lot of posts lately about like their boo thing being the motivation for their dangerous eating habits and just !!!! no !!!! ik I’ve talked a lot about my bf recently BUT I wanna share our evening with you guys to paint a picture what having an ed and a serious relationship is like.
So, boyfriend gets home from work, I’m super stoked bc my depressed ass sure as shit wasn’t doing anything productive. Super happy, yayayay, oh wait now it’s dinner time. Time to distract, let’s go for a lil hike instead! This was a good idea, we happy, I’m not eatin, all is well. Oh wait, now I’m shaking uncontrollably and he knows I haven’t eaten today. And he gives me that look and I promise you that look kills me about 100 times over. I get the dreaded “what have you eaten today,” now I gotta decide if I’m going to lie to this beautiful human I love to preserve my fast or tell him the truth and break it rather abruptly and send me into a panic attack. I was dishonest today, but he did still make me eat. Dinner is always stressful, I shoot down everything he suggests bc nothing sounds good and I keep thinking, “no, I can’t eat that.” Eventually we settle on my 1 of 3 safe restaurants that I drag his ass to on a weekly basis that I know he doesn’t really like to go to. We get home, go hot tubbing, and I literally have to have my boyfriend untie my bikini for me because my nails are so weak they’re completely useless. This isn’t cute, or sweet and also, he has that goddamn look bc he knows my weak nails are a symptom of my ed. But he doesn’t say anything this time and we go to the hot tub. We leave early bc I start getting tunnel vision and weak (probs due to dehydration) and bf had to help me walk back to our apartment. We get back home and it’s one of the few nights I’m not too exhausted/depressed/body conscious to want to participate in intimacy, so we do, but here’s the thing about intimacy and ed. It is so hard to shut your brain off. It is so hard to stop looking at yourself and look at your s/o. It is so hard to give them what they want bc you’re too busy worrying about yourself. It is so hard to enjoy. And even when you do, you still know your s/o isn’t looking at your chest bones and ribs you worked so hard to show just for them in lust. They’re looking with sadness in their eyes, no room is dark enough to not notice and it kills both you and them in complete silence.
My point is, my boyfriend does A LOT. He’s not just dating me, he’s dating me and my ed, and my ed is a hell of a lot more demanding than I am. And while I know I’m a better girlfriend than this little story shows, I also know I’m not the best girlfriend I could be if I were recovered bc my ed always wants more. And at the end of every day I’m always left wondering if that was the day that he’s had enough. Just, don’t aspire to be ill before getting into a relationship. It will be toxic and painful and end in heartbreak. Learn to love yourself more than you think anyone else ever could and then when someone comes along and proves you wrong, date that person and enjoy your healthy, functioning relationship.
candycoatedplastic